|
Post by sammy on Jan 21, 2004 17:01:22 GMT -5
I heard a good one today that I just had to share.
Tiger Woods was driving his BWM along in a deserted part of the US on his way to a golf tournament when he noticed he was getting low on gas. He pulls into a lone gas station in the middle of nowhere and hops out and starts putting gas in his BMW. A young guy comes walking out of the service station and comments on how nice the BMW is. Tiger thanks him as he bends over to wipe some dust off of one of the hub caps. As he bends over, two golf tees fall out of his pocket onto the ground. The young guy says, "What are those?" to which Tiger replies, "Golf tees." the young guys says,"What do you use them for?" to which Tiger replies, "To put my balls on when driving." "Those guys at BMW think of everything." the young guy said shaking his head.
|
|
|
Post by sammy on Jan 21, 2004 17:03:41 GMT -5
If I were you pihinalle, I'd be getting myself a BMW.
|
|
|
Post by pihinalle on Jan 21, 2004 17:11:46 GMT -5
No no no. I'm going with Mitsu again.
|
|
|
Post by MarmotMike on Jan 22, 2004 2:19:38 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by RayCanuck on Jan 22, 2004 20:25:43 GMT -5
There's a shipwreck in the South Pacific. The only survivors to reach the shore of a deserted Island where a Sheep, a Dog and a Sailor. After a week the Sailor was feeling a little amorous and that evening by the Fire he snuggled up to the Sheep and tried to put his arm around her. Just as was making his move the Dog started to growl. The Sailor backed off only to try again latter.....but again to no avail .....the Dog had become very protective of the Sheep. A week went by and as luck would have it a beautiful Blonde Gal washed up on their Island, apparently the only survivor of another high Seas mishap. The Sailor was elated thinking a little luck has finally come his way. That evening by the fire he cuddled up to the young blonde........ then leaning over to whisper in her ear....."would you mind taking the Dog for a walk" Badda Bing Badda Boom How can you tell it's bed time in "Neverland?" When the Big Hand touches the Little one! (Very bad ....but funny in a sick way) Hope no one is offended....he he he
|
|
|
Post by Balder on Jan 23, 2004 7:19:34 GMT -5
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
|
|
|
Post by sammy on Feb 21, 2004 7:57:25 GMT -5
Mind Boggling
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
My father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, Means I'm my own grandpa!!
|
|
|
Post by sammy on Mar 6, 2004 7:53:21 GMT -5
When I was young, I'd go skinny dipping. Now I go for a chunk dunk.
|
|
|
Post by Jazz on Jun 6, 2004 22:43:58 GMT -5
Ok. A Chinese dude and an Jewish dude are walking down the road.... After a distance, the Jewish guy punches the Chinese guy in the head. The later, dazed and confused asked "What was that for?" and the Jewish guy replied "That was for Pearl Harbour!". The Chinese guy corrected him and said that it was the Japanese not the Chinese to which the Jewish guy replied "Japanese, Chinese...what's the difference!" So they keep walking and then the Chinese guy returns the punch to the head. Now the Jewish guy asked what brought that about and the reply was "That was for the Titanic!" The Jewish guy said "But that was an iceberg!" To which the Chinese guy replied "Iceberg, Goldberg...what's the difference!"
|
|
|
Post by bling on Jun 6, 2004 23:24:18 GMT -5
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
|
|
Laho
Prospect
Sophomore
Posts: 144
|
Post by Laho on Jun 7, 2004 9:33:54 GMT -5
A man went to see a doctor because he was having some kind of pain his elbow. Once at the doctor's, the whitecoat told him to give an urinal sample. Despite having no idea what could be the idea with that, the man did as ordered. A few minutes later, the doctor reappears with a computer print in his hand. "Well, it's a minor inflammation, nothing serious. Come back a week later and we'll see if it's getting any better." "How can you tell that from my urinal sample?" the man asked with his eyes wide. "Modern technology. There are minor things in everybody's body liquids that can indicate what is wrong with the subject. We have just acquired a machine that is capable in analyzing them." Completely amazed and impressed, our fellow returns home, but decides to put the machine in a complete test. He comes back with a sample where he has pee from himself, his wife and his teenage daughter, couple of leaks from the bottom his vehicle and a hint of his own semen. He calmly waits for the doctor, and finally he returns with the print in his hand. "Let's see... gongratulations, both your wife and daughter are pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and if you're not going to stop that jacking off for a while, that elbow's ain't going to get any better."
|
|
Graham
Prospect
Sophomore
GBSC Webmaster
Posts: 148
|
Post by Graham on Jun 7, 2004 12:59:24 GMT -5
What is brown and sticky? A stick. Graham.
|
|
|
Post by TampaLightning on Jun 8, 2004 9:29:04 GMT -5
Graham, I recognize that one from "The Vicar of Dibley", which we get on PBS in the States. What's even funnier is how the dingy one doesn't get it, and tries to tell the vicar how that's not a very good joke, as a stick is not really "sticky", etc. Hilarious!
|
|
Laho
Prospect
Sophomore
Posts: 144
|
Post by Laho on Jun 8, 2004 13:53:13 GMT -5
What is wiser than a fourth field defender? - Second line rightwinger
What is wiser than a second line rightwinger? - Goalie coach
What is wiser than a goalie coach? -Team head coach
What is wiser than a team head coach? -German Schaefer
|
|
|
Post by MarmotMike on Jun 8, 2004 17:00:27 GMT -5
|
|