Post a Joke

[roots]

Are you tired of all those mushy friendship poems that always sound
good
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of
promises that really speaks to true friendship!

1. When you are sad, I will get you drunk and will help you plot
revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid and give you a
high
five.

4. When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much
worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use small words and draw pictures to
explain.

7. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you're well
again, I
don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end.
Why, you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you
can
only think of five, and one of them is not speaking to you right now
anyway.

Remember: A really good friend will help you move a body........and
bring
a shovel.

an even better friend won't ask why when you call in the middle of the night and ask them to bring a shovel..

[Laho]

roots said:

Remember: A really good friend will help you move a body........and
bring
a shovel.

It's an old idiom.

A good friend will help you to move. A really good friend will help you to move a body.

[Robert]

It's easy for a man to make a woman happy ...

you have to be ...

1. a friend
2. a partner
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a mechanic
10. a monteur
11. an interior decorator
12. a stylist
13. an electrician
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a physiotherapist
18. a therapist and to be
19. obliging
20. pleasant
21. retrained
22. lovely
23. attentive
24. gentlemanlike
25. intelligent
26. inventive
27. creative
28. sensitive
29. strong
30. understanding
31. tolerant
32. modest
33. ambitious
34. competent
35. brave
36. decided
37. faithful
38. respectful
39. devoted
40. passionate and over all
41. being solvent.

At the same time you should pay attention

a) not being jealous, but interrested
b) to sympathize with the family, but not paying more attention than for the woman
c) to give her a free zone, but being concerned where she has been and what she did

It's very important:

not to forget the birthdays, anniversaries, wedding anniversaries, her menstruation, date of the first kiss, birthday of her beloved aunt, nephew or friend.

Unfortunately the compliance of all these advices doesn't guarantee a 100% happiness.

She could feel trammeled by this perfect and attuned life and could escape with first wimp walking over.

And now the other side:

To make a man happy - as you will quickly be able to see - isn't that easy.

Because:

The men needs:

1. Sex and
2. Food

Of course most women are swamped with his needs.

What do we learn out of that all?

Living together in harmony isn't that difficult - when we the men realize at last to cut back our needs a little bit!

[roots]

;D you forgot spider killer

[Robert]

And to carry heavy things. It's not up to me, I translated both jokes today.

Robert

[Jazz]

I'm sure some of you have already seen this:

[Jazz]

Mario Lemieux, Mats Sundin and Wayne Gretzky are standing
before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before
granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I
believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so
many people from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I
have devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and
support their Team." God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Mats Sundin, "And you, Mats, what do you believe?" Mats stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and
passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing
career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by
the passion of the speech offers Mats the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do
you believe?"


I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat"

[Jazz]

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW...

[SensFanForever]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. [#@!$], I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[Laho]

The most legendary movie series: two-minute versions.

Lord of the Rings
Big bad guy made a small bad ring. A small nice hobbit have to go and melt the small bad ring. With him, he gets some big brave fighters. But he leaves them behind and takes a small fat gardener with him. The big brave fighters go the other way and kill some big nasty orcs. There are some big bad fights on the way. The small nice hobbit reaches the big hot oven and decides to keep the small bad ring but then a small crazy guy comes and falls with the small bad ring into the big hot oven. One of the big brave fighters becomes a very big boss. The End.

The Godfather
A big fat man runs very nasty business. Then the big fat man dies and his pretty smart son starts running the very nasty business. Then after two very good movies the pretty smart son dies too. The End

Star Wars
Big bad guy kidnaps a small nice princess. A small nice farmboy goes with a wise old fighter to rescue. They meet a bad attitude man and a big hairy carpet. Together they save the small nice princess. Then they destroy a big bad superweapon. But the big bad guy gets very big angry and the very brave heroes must go and hide on a very cold planet. Then the small nice farmboy goes to meet a wacky green goblin and the bad attitude man gets stoned in chilly cold ice. But he is later on set free and the very brave heroes kill one big slimy slug. Then they destroy a big bad superweapon, take two. The big bad guy becomes a good dead guy and the small nice farmboy because a great wise fighter. The End.

James Bond
A very smart man shoots many very bad guys, uses very nifty gadgets and downs very many very slutty women. The End.

Indiana Jones
A very smart man wears a very dusty hat, gets chased by a very big stone ball and shoots very many bad guys, hunts very classy treasures and downs a handful of moderately slutty women. The End.

Die Hard
A very bad attitude man shoots very many bad guys. The End.

[roots]

Subject: My computer guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An, ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
i used to like harold

*******************************************
Laho your post looks like an exercise i use with trainees..to break them of their flamboyant way with words..like it

[Jd]

[roots]

says something about the world we now live in!

[roots]

things we'd like to be able to say at work..

And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I sound like a people person? .

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more customer service benefit we
offer.

You.. off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I'm okay because the voices tell me so.

Am I getting smart with you? No, I'll keep it on your level.

And which one of the Seven Dwarfs are you?

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I'd explain it to you, but I'm afraid your brain would explode.

There are two things on Earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. You don't look like an atomic weapon, so that leaves us withone alternative...

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

Don't start with me! You won't win.

WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Sorry if I sounded interested... I'm not!
And your point is?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

my personal favorite..'have a nice day' ..'somewhere else'

[MarmotMike]

Something on the upcoming US elections...

www.plur.net/thisland.html